Paul went back to work yesterday and I’m sad. I like him so much and I have loved having him all to myself the past month or so. Since he came home we’ve eaten lots of sushi and visited family and gone to baseball games and put finishing touches on the house and watched movies with the kids.

Some of the best moments this month were watching Paul in the ocean. I know when he comes in after a few hours in the surf, his mind will be calm, he will feel centered and his eyes will look young again.  Plus, it’s just fun to watch him surf. He looks so great out there!

We’ve had a good time. It makes me look forward to retirement.

I took that picture of him when we were at San Elijo last week. How I adore that handsome face!

Our reintegration has been pretty smooth, both as a couple and as a family. It has been much much better than last time. Maybe it is because our expectations have been different or maybe we have established coping skills or maybe the kids are just older, it is probably a little bit of all of that. Whatever the reason, I am grateful and content.

Peace after turmoil, comfort after distress and joy after despair and discouragement; emotions, hard fought for, feel incredible.

I feel whole again.

Interestingly, our awful move actually made the family transition easier. Normally, Paul is the odd man out trying to fit himself into already established schedules and patterns. Because of the move we all found ourselves in the same boat as we adjusted to our new surroundings. Now, I am a long way from calling the move a good thing but that part ended up being positive.

Spring Break is this week. Usually for Spring Break I have the days packed with activities, but the kids need a rest. They’ve worked hard, juggling school and the move and their dad’s return and extracurriculars. They’ve hardly had a minute to breathe since Christmas! Man! I’m proud of them! I think they just need to sit around in front of screens all week.

I haven’t been able to see past Paul’s return for months now. It feels strange to be thinking about the future again. I need to take this time, before school starts again, to make some plans and figure out what direction our little family will go now.

I better get started!

For me, survival mode means just trying to get through the day.  There is no looking to the future a month, a week or even a day ahead.  Do what has to be done now and just make it to bed time.  It means buffet style dinner because setting the table it too much.

It means I can’t worry about the project due next week, we will just focus on the the homework due tomorrow.  It means Dan needs a haircut and there isn’t any bread for lunches, and it means someone doesn’t have the right t-shirt for the field trip and I feel like a failure.  At the end of some of these days I wonder why I even try.

The worst part of it for me is that my children are the ones who are most effected.  Grades have slipped.  Opportunities have been lost.  Any self-improvement this year has been sporadic if it has happened at all.

These are the subtle consequences of war that nobody sees; nobody talks about.

Happily, that part is behind us now and we are looking forward.

Finishing up Christmas, being at the threshold of a hopeful new year and realizing that I am solidly in phase four, has given me an energy I haven’t had in a very long time.

The number one change made?  Lists!  I have a list of things the kids need to do before they get any screen time.  Among other things, Dan needs to practice the horn, Gloria needs to knit a square for a blanket, Sara will finish one lesson of code.  We were all spending way too much time in front of one screen or another and now that time, is just a little more measured.  I feel like we’re all back on track.

Adding to that energy, is the excitement  that Paul will be home soon.  My mind is racing constantly with errands and projects that need to be finished before he gets home.  I’m cleaning out closets and organizing drawers and making lots of trips to the Goodwill.  There’s weeding and planting and cleaning up to be done in the yard.  The carpets need to be cleaned and the baseboards need to be washed and if I showed you my “to do” list you would make fun of me.

Regina said, “Rachel, I didn’t think that Paul cares if all the cupboards are cleaned out.  I think he’ll just be glad to be home.”  “I know, it is mostly for me so that when he comes home I can relax and just focus on him and won’t be worried about all the little chores that need to be done.”

The funnest project I’ve started is redecorating our bedroom so that Paul will have a comfortable, peaceful place to retreat as he reintegrates with the family.  He didn’t have that last time and I think it would have helped a great deal.  I am working with Decorist and they have given me the best ideas and insights!  I just order the print above (that they found) as part of that project.  It is by Kimberly Blok and it perfectly sets the tone for the room I want.

What do you think?